Love Is A Choice

This morning me and Clay were cuddling on the couch, laughing at past memories, flirting, and just being us. Moments like this are precious to me because I try to live my life like tomorrow may not happen. It’s not a paranoia thing. It’s more along the lines of “live with no regrets”.

Well, he offended me, deeply, to the point of tears.

I was frustrated.

He said sorry.

But when I’m frustrated I say stupid things and this morning was no exception. Telling someone that they have issues you’re not sure you want to live with while wearing the ring they gave you can have just as much impact as a heavy handed slap.

I didn’t mean it. I couldn’t imagine living another day not being with Clay and I know I love him because when he’s gone I want to share a moment with him and when I see him I’m so happy to see him there.

Clay (being the super patient man he’s become since he started dating me) didn’t say anything (which to me is worse). All he did was grab his Bible and walk back to the bathroom. Guilt ate at me the ten minutes he was gone and I became listless but I knew better than to go and bug him.

He came back to the room and I instantly apologized, telling him I didn’t mean it, I was just upset and angry. He apologized again and then without another word walked into the kitchen and started doing the dishes.

I don’t know about the rest of you but even though apologies can be said, sometimes there’s that awkward tension in the air where you’re not sure if the other person is ready to move on like nothing happened. Yeah it was heavy this morning.

I dried, he washed, I smiled at him, he smiled back and we kissed.

Love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice.

If Clay was to leave me because he just “didn’t feel the love anymore” he would have left a long time ago. I’m stubborn and irritating just as much as he is, if not even more. But sometimes it’s because of our biggest flaws we have such amazing memories.

Today people give up so easily and I think it’s because we don’t know how to love. We grow up in a world where if it’s broken throw it away no matter how great it was a month ago.

It makes me sad.

Love isn’t cheap, fast or easy.

It’s hard work and it’s going to cost you sleepless nights, possible tears and more frustrations than you ever thought possible. But that’s why it’s worth it.




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